A different Outlook

Comprehending Accountants - Take One 
Two accountancy students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first accountant nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't fit."

Comprehending Accountants - Take Two 
An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The accountant said, "I like both." "Both?" The accountant replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done." 

Comprehending Accountants - Take Three 
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. 

Comprehending Accountants - Take Four 
An Accountant and His Frog 
An accountant was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week". The accountant took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the accountant took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The accountant said, "Look I'm an accountant. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool." 

Comprehending Accountants - Take Five 
A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of Divisional Manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, "What is two and two"? 
The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was "twenty-two." The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999999 and 4.000001. The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Commr of Stamp Duties (Qld), two and two was proven to be four. The last applicant was an accountant. The business man asked him, "How much is two and two?" The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, "How much do you want it to be?" He got the job. 

What's the definition of an accountant? 
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. 

What's the definition of a good tax accountant? 
Someone who has a loophole named after him. 

What's an extroverted accountant? 
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own. 

What's an auditor? 
Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded. 

Why did the auditor cross the road? 
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year. 

How do you drive an accountant completely insane? 
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a roadmap the wrong way. 

What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? 
Go into town and gang-audit someone. 

What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't? 

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. 
"Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." 
"Have you tried counting sheep?" 
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend 
three hours trying to find it" 


An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbour: "This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did you get this exact information?" 
"I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old."

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that £50 I owe you."

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."
The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" 
The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant." 
"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. 
"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Why do accountants make good lovers? They're great with figures.

Why do accountants don't read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Want to hear an accountant joke?"
The guy next to him replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know that I'm 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, and I'm an accountant. And the guy sitting next to me is 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, and he's an accountant. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, I don't want to have to explain it two times."

If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
"Darling, could you tell me about your work."

A business owner tells her friend that she is desperately searching for an accountant.
Her friend asks, "Didn't your company hire an accountant a short while ago?"
The business owner replies, "That's the accountant I've been searching for."

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